Goodbye Falsies

Call me a sucker, but recently I fell completely under the spell of a mascara ad on TV.

You’ve probably seen it. Strikingly attractive ladies travel around New York City to the 1980s “Magnum, P.I.” theme song.

Their eyelashes are Out. To. There.


What’s implied is that Maybelline’s new Falsies mascara can make any woman’s eyelashes look just as long, just as thick, just as upturned.

Like wearing false eyelashes without the aggravation.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. At least, it didn’t for me.

I bought a tube of the waterproof kind (doesn’t wash away or make you look like a raccoon if you cry or sneeze). And I opened it with excitement, knowing I was going to see myself in a new light with my thick, long, flared eyelashes.

The Falsies brand contains a non-smearing keratin fiber formula. Swirling the special “spoon brush” inside the tube, I eagerly applied it to my lashes, attempting to coax every single one out of hiding.

Nothing. My eyes still looked average.

Okay, maybe I didn’t have enough mascara on the wand.

So I tried again. And again.

Same result.

Hmm, I thought, this is taking a long time, longer than I usually give my morning face.

The more coats I added, the clumpier my lashes looked — thanks, I guess, to the quick drying nature of the formula. They didn’t turn up either, though maybe if I’d used a curler. . . .

Nah, those things look like torture devices.

For two weeks I fought the battle, telling myself I really ought to toss the tube out.

But who wants to throw money away in this economy?

Finally Fate intervened. I broke the brush. Snapped it right in half.

What a relief! No more frustration. Or guilt.

Now maybe I’m not supposed to have long, lush eyelashes. But I want ’em.

And while Falsies doesn’t do it for me, maybe another Maybelline product will. Something I won’t have to layer on, something I’ll have to fan to dry.

Which product claim have you bought into, only to be disappointed with the results?

22 thoughts on “Goodbye Falsies

  1. Back in my teens, there was a product, a hair spray that you were supposed to be able to use when you didn’t have time to wash your hair. I remember the commercial and jingle very well. So you’d spray the product all over your head and then brush it out and, voila! Your hair was supposed to be freshly cleaned. Well, it didn’t work.

  2. Debbie, You are too funny! And what you say is sooo true. I remember a dry shampoo from my childhood, called “Minipoo” or something like that. It was promoted as a convenience if you didn’t have time to get your hair wet and shampoo it. Well, guess what, it was awful and it didn’t work contrary to the commercials showing models with clean, bouncy mess, no bother. No way, I say. Then there’s the tall, thin,gorgeous model who gets that way because she drinks or eats this or that. Rubbish! Thanks again for the good hearty laugh your posts always seem to generate in me 🙂

    • Thanks for your kinds words, Kathy. Isn’t it funny how advertisers and marketers get the best-looking, most fit humans possible to hawk their wares — everything from fast food joints to beer to cleaning supplies?! Wonder where all those handsome folks are lurking??

  3. Falsies didn’t work for me either. No mascara does what they promise to do. If you want those out-to-there lashes, you need to do like my sister; buy false eyelashes and then apply mascara on top of them!

    I bought that Smoothe-Away hair remover thingy. Even though I doubted it would work, I still wanted to give it a shot.

    It didn’t work. 😦

    • Hi, and Welcome to my blog! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one having trouble with Falsies mascara. Thanks for the tip on givency; I’ll have to check it out. Isn’t it odd how reliant we can become on something as small as mascara?!

  4. Too many to pick one product but I did have my eyelids tattooed with permanent eyeliner. It hurt beyond mom also had her’s done but she is into the whole beauty, pain and whatever it takes…I’m not. It looked great but you had to go back for one touch-up and can you believe I went–AWFUL. However, when my mother suggested lip liner…I said NO NO NO. If you have a Benefits Cosmetic boutique in your neck of the woods consider having your eyelashes dyed..not very expensive lasts about a month. It does not work miracles but I like the results.

    • I can’t believe you underwent eyelid tattooing — I’ve heard that’s horribly painful! My eyes are so sensitive, I know I never could do that. And permanent lip liner? Well, I’ve been told never to say ‘never’, but I’m gonna have to say never to that one, too! Ah, the things we do for beauty!

  5. Here’s what I wonder: if it’s true that skin creams, serums, etc. are supposed to be absorbed into our skin (like to plump up the cells, if you believe the ads), then that means the ingredients are getting into our systems, right? And if that’s true, is the stuff safe? It’s not FDA approved or anything. I mean, you wouldn’t want a silicone boob to leak into your innards, so why is it okay to smear silicone-based primer on our faces? You see where I’m going with this.

    • You’ve posed an interesting question here, Lynne. I suspect if we knew ALL the stuff we’re putting on our faces or in our bodies, we wouldn’t wear makeup or even eat!! Pioneer women might have been “plain,” but they were probably healthier than our generation — unless, of course, you factor in the early death thing!

      • I know! Not to be a wet blanket, but short life expectancy meant fewer chemicals accumulating. Not that I’d trade! I’ll take long life and toxicity if that’s my only choice. Oh, and I’m still gonna wear makeup! Merry Christmas, Debbie.

  6. Take it back to the store or call/email the company. Trust me they will refund or send you a coupon. The squeeking wheel gets the oil. Why should you waste money on a product or sevice that is not up to par. I taught this to my kids and they never let anybody get away with that.

    My mom took back a pizza she forgot and left in the oven. It was a BOGO. They gave her a fresh one. LOL! She was 80 years old and a reg. customer. Mom is home with Jesus now ….I bet she is trying to get a refund on something God gave her.

    You will find that masscara in Big Lots or some other closeout store in a few months for sure. I hope I don’t forget what you said and buy it….LOL!

    • Tanya, I love your comment about your mom trying to get a refund from God, ha! She sounds like my mom, who never misses a chance to haul something back to the store when it doesn’t fit, doesn’t match, turns out to be of shoddy material, or whatever. Yes, I’ve saved my receipt and this stuff is going back for an exchange tomorrow.

  7. Falsies clumped for me, too. (I tried after a friend recommended it.) I use Rimmel Lash Accelerator and it gets the job done.

    I’ve tried just about every hair product made to “tame naturally curly hair.” Nothing works. My hair’s still gonna do whatever it wants to do.

    • My hair’s the same way, Janna, only it’s stick-straight. Why is it that straight-haired women always wish for a bit of wave or curl, while curly-haired ones always wish for straight hair??

  8. Debbie, I love Falsies mascara! Maybe it’s cause you tried the waterproof kind? Aw, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. I find mine really makes my lashes pop, but then I do have curly lashes, so I don’t know. I’ve tried so many products that haven’t worked that we’d be here all day if I discussed them. However, one does come to mind, and it’s a mascara as well. It’s Lancome’s Hypnôse. I never buy expensive mascara because I figured you have to throw it out after three months and instantly if you get an eye infection, but I did succumb to buying Lancome’s after my sister, curse her, convinced me that it was the mother of all mascaras. What a crock. It was no different from the many tubes of crappy Maybellines I had in my makeup bag. Now that I think of it, my sister does seem to steer me down the wrong path a lot. She devil. I should send her an invoice for the amount I forked out for the Hypnôse. That should serve to hypnotize her into not pulling these stunts anymore! hee hee!

    • My sister’s the same way, Bella. She thinks that the more one pays for some product, the better that product is. Hah! She’s so wrong. You can get really decent stuff on the cheap if you take the time to search and try. I happen to like Maybelline’s Turbo mascara — don’t know why I ever considered changing! Sorry about your experience with the Lancome.

  9. Out. To. There.
    This mad me laugh.
    Because how many times have I not measured up? I am not very tall. And there are always those pants that look fabulous….on tall women. They’re all patterned or sleek. Only a very particular pant looks good on a shortie, but I get suckered in over and over. And then I’m reminded: I don’t measure up.
    Thanks for the fun.

    • Welcome, Rebecca. Thanks for visiting and for commenting! Isn’t it funny how we really TRY to do stuff to make ourselves the best “us” we can be, buying into whatever it takes to accomplish that?!

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