Goodbye Falsies

Call me a sucker, but recently I fell completely under the spell of a mascara ad on TV.

You’ve probably seen it. Strikingly attractive ladies travel around New York City to the 1980s “Magnum, P.I.” theme song.

Their eyelashes are Out. To. There.


What’s implied is that Maybelline’s new Falsies mascara can make any woman’s eyelashes look just as long, just as thick, just as upturned.

Like wearing false eyelashes without the aggravation.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. At least, it didn’t for me.

I bought a tube of the waterproof kind (doesn’t wash away or make you look like a raccoon if you cry or sneeze). And I opened it with excitement, knowing I was going to see myself in a new light with my thick, long, flared eyelashes.

The Falsies brand contains a non-smearing keratin fiber formula. Swirling the special “spoon brush” inside the tube, I eagerly applied it to my lashes, attempting to coax every single one out of hiding.

Nothing. My eyes still looked average.

Okay, maybe I didn’t have enough mascara on the wand.

So I tried again. And again.

Same result.

Hmm, I thought, this is taking a long time, longer than I usually give my morning face.

The more coats I added, the clumpier my lashes looked — thanks, I guess, to the quick drying nature of the formula. They didn’t turn up either, though maybe if I’d used a curler. . . .

Nah, those things look like torture devices.

For two weeks I fought the battle, telling myself I really ought to toss the tube out.

But who wants to throw money away in this economy?

Finally Fate intervened. I broke the brush. Snapped it right in half.

What a relief! No more frustration. Or guilt.

Now maybe I’m not supposed to have long, lush eyelashes. But I want ’em.

And while Falsies doesn’t do it for me, maybe another Maybelline product will. Something I won’t have to layer on, something I’ll have to fan to dry.

Which product claim have you bought into, only to be disappointed with the results?