Just lookin’ for some shorts

Why is it I always seem to want something nobody’s making the year I want it?

I’m talking about clothes.

If I want a red polo shirt, for instance, the designers aren’t showing red. If I want a zip-up rain jacket, all I can find are snaps.

I went on “a hunt” the other day for some denim bermudas. Not just any pair would do. They had to fit, of course, and just about every pair I tried on looked as if I’d poured myself into them.

Don’t look now, but where are all those super-skinny women? Not in my town, that’s for sure!

Besides fit, what I really wanted was cargo pockets (even one would do!) tucked along the side of the leg. For my cell phone.

How hard can that be?

They make plenty of twill shorts with cargo pockets; they make crops with cute little ties at the leg openings AND cargo pockets.

They make denim skimmers that skim your knee. And denim capris. And crops. And full-length jeans. And short-shorts.

But no denim bermudas.

Finally, I got the idea to check the men’s section.

There were my bermudas, with cargo pockets no less!

But how many women can really wear men’s shorts? If you get the waist to fit, the hips and seat look like the Jones family moved out.

And is the circumference of a man’s leg really that much larger than a woman’s?

No, I’ll pass on that!

So, if you hear of any place that’s selling denim Bermudas with cargo pockets (for women), let me know, OK?

Stretchy jeans?

What’s wrong with today’s jeans manufacturers??

I don’t have research to back this up, but I’m willing to bet jeans are the most popular style of pants now being offered.

They come in a variety of colors (blue being traditional) and materials, with pocket detailing, different leg lengths and widths, belts, and so on.

Go to just about any function, and you’re sure to see jeans.

So why don’t they fit?

It takes me forever to find just the right pair of jeans. I comb through the racks, pulling everything out that’s even remotely my size, and haul them to the dressing room. There, I try on one right after another, rejecting those that fall off me and those that squeeze me so tight I can’t breathe, those with zippers a half-inch long and those with button flies that make it nearly impossible to avoid an “accident” getting to the bathroom in time!

Then, when I’ve finally narrowed down my choices to one or two, I put the “rejects” back and take my selections to the checkout counter.

I learned a long time ago that you have to wash new things. Why, I’m not sure, but I think it has something to do with “you never know who’s tried them on before you.” Sure, there’s not a lot of logic in this — what’s the difference between trying something on in the store and wearing it? Maybe it’s like the 3-second rule applied when food falls to the floor — germs don’t “stick” if you snatch it up FAST!!

Washing jeans totally ruins them, I’m convinced. I wash them in cold water, then hang them to dry, so I know they can’t shrink. But have you ever heard of jeans STRETCHING?

Yep, the last pair I bought actually stretched.

They got bigger in the waist, bigger in the hips, bigger in the legs, and longer in the length. You’d have thought I’d bought them for a very tall and wide person — someone the size of a refrigerator — or perhaps I shrunk?

No, my other clothes still fit, so what’s going on?

All that time invested in trying on different pairs, not to mention the money to purchase them, gone.

So I did what any sensible person would do — re-washed them and tossed them in the hot dryer! I measured them every step of the way, so I should be good to go, but who knows ’til they dry and I can re-try them on?

In the meantime, I’ll stick with my tried-and-true tattered pair!